~I want to appreciate the times when moments are made into memories. I want to embrace them, cherish them, and never forget that they come so few and far between. I know that wherever life takes me, these moments will always follow. They remind me of whats truely important. It's not just life, but living. It's the journey, the destination, and all the points I see in between.~
"I know it probably sounds way too filmy..But Mishi..I can feel you here with me..I can see you soft curls; smell the Sunsilk *laughs* as they fall on my face as I hug you tight..", he sighed. All he got from her was a heaved breath and nothing. Silence. He continued, in a sad tone, "I wish you could love me as much as I love you Mishi.."
"Why do you think I don't love you Karan?", she asked after a prolonged quietness. She knew he didn't have an answer. But did she have one? In the past year,she'd asked herself over and over again. Did she love Karan? If she did, then what stopped her from telling him those Three Words that he craved to hear. Those eyes earned for her love. But what stopped her?
Mishti woke up, as the bright sunlight shone on her face, the glistening shadows of yet another day greeted her. Her phone lay beside her. She picked it up sleepily. 59 missed calls! She'd fallen asleep with her thoughts last night! Karan had called back, after the line had disconnected. "Shit! How can I be so mean!", she was disgusted with herself. "He truly deserves a lot better! A hell lot better! I cannot be the woman he loves.. And I cannot hurt him every single time!".. She had to make a decision. For his good.
~What we had...
As always, she was to meet Karan in the front of her college gate. Karan like every day would be waiting for her. A daily routine of meeting, having milk-ginger tea( adrak wali chai) with biscuits and matthis followed after which they'd go to their own respective classes. But today, it had to be different. Mishti had made up her mind to break up with Karan..but was her Heart ready? With such confusion in her mind, she got off from the auto-rickshaw.
Karan was, unlike other days standing and happily conversing with a girl. Mishti smirked-another Punjabi girl! These Punjabis always connect instantaneously with each other! Then she saw them share a joke, and the girl rested her hand on Karan's arm.
Karan didn't seem to notice. But Mishti did. Her cheeks flared up. Did He just let her keep her hand on him? How dare she! How dare He!
She just stood staring at them for almost 10minutes. They ordered for tea. And started sipping tea and chatting happily. He'd never had tea without Mishti.. It was like one of their "own" practices. How could he have tea with someone else!
She was startled. Was she Jealous? If she didn't love Karan, why did it matter? Yes, she had kissed him. But Love is something different. It cannot be Love. But, if it isn't then why did she feel this way? How does it matter if he's talking to some stupid girl! She could be a friend, a classmate..Or whatever. Why did it affect her like this?
"Oh Hi Mishti", Karan cried out. Her thoughts broken, she stared at the girl as she approached them. "Meet Jigyasa, my classmate. And Jigs, meet Mishti..a.. my.. very good friend." Tears swelled up in Mishti's eyes. Was she just a 'very good friend' to Karan? How could he call her that? And didn't he decide to call her "Mishi"? Then why did he call her "Mishti" in front of that girl, while he called her "Jigs"..
Jigyasa left after a while. She asked Karan if she'd join her too, for class. But he refused. Of course he knew Mishti was sad. She looked really upset. "Damn you, Karan! You try to make her happy, but end up making it worse for Her. How can you even think of loving her when all you ever do, is hurt her!" he thought to himself. He didn't know what to say. What to tell her, that'd relieve her of all the pains he'd caused her.
He noticed her staring at the empty tea cup in his hands. He clenched his teeth. He knew she'd felt terrible. The awkwardness that'd been created after he stammered while introducing Mishti.. had made things quite obvious. He felt Mishti didn't like it. She usually didn't like it when people taunted her about their "secretive" relationship.
"I'm sorry" they both cried out, together. Surprised by each other's reaction, they both looked at each other. "Please let me begin first", Karan asked. " Mishi, God knows I loved you. Too much. But you couldn't. I don't want to create any more problems between us. I totally understand,it must be awkward to have a person around who's always embarrassing you with his stupid mushiness. I'm so sorry Mishi. For everything that I've done.I'm sorry for loving you so much blindly. But I can't do this anymore". " I can't do this to you anymore", he silently added.
Mishti had been silently staring at the autumn-ridden golden-brown leaves scattered around her feet as she noticed the soft wind turning them around, here and there. Why? Why did it hurt so much? She had what she wanted. She'd prepared to do the same. Then why did his words stab her..again and again.. why did autumn wrench upon her heart? Why did her tears seem like those rotten dried leaves that'd fallen..and people were walking over them, crushing them as they went past..
But No! She could not cry in front of Karan. She couldn't explain her tears. Not to him. For she herself didn't know what she was feeling. More importantly, Why she felt this way.. How could she show how vulnerable she'd become? How could she accept that she was madly in love with this guy who just told her that he couldn't love her anymore..
She stood up. She smiled at him, took his hand and kissed it. "Friends!" she said. "See you." and left. *Someday..Sometime.. When we'll look into each other's eyes and profess our love for each other.* she added silently.
Karan paid for the tea and walked towards the college gate, too struck by his reverberation and Mishti's silence.
Did he do the right thing? Of course he did..he thought.
But why did he feel this way? Why wasn't Mishti happy?