Choose To Look Up- Above Expectations and Beyond Horizons

 

“To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and 

play with it.” 

― Charlie Chaplin

You must believe the aforesaid words especially when a genius comic artist such as Charlie Chaplin says them. To break away from the monotony of our lives, humour becomes our ‘friend in need’ and if you notice closely, we laugh at things we relate to─ boy falling off a ladder, someone getting wet just because he was standing under someone’s balcony, how a man gets slapped for his marriage proposal.. We enjoy these little bouts of humour we may have left unnoticed or these scenes that may have been tucked into some corner of our brain while we were busy “living”.

It takes quite a lot of introspection to really make sense of Mr.Chaplin’s words. But come to think of it, we actually go through a process of experiencing grief and loss to then moving on to ridicule it. Maybe it is the christening of the step to finally move on to another set of grief and glories.

I am perhaps going through a terrible phase of my life with the sudden demise of my mother in Jan this year. And even in this entire paraphernalia, I saw myself ridiculing my grief, my stunned silence. I joked at being like a “stone-hearted daughter who shed no tear” or how we went for a vacation and returned never to be the same “we” again!
To be honest, it is relieving to choose to laugh at your pain than to writhe along. Agonizing through it will always seem much easier, what I saw and continue to see hundreds of visitors, relatives, well-wishers do. How the process of “mourning” is so crucial to settling them back to their normal lives from the very next day. I know I won’t be this easily out of the shock but then I refuse to bow before it, allowing the monster to swallow me from my head first.

Sometimes I end up offending people when I tell them that they were lucky not to be around when mum passed away. I try telling them kindly, how it was irrelevant, whoever was present in those 5-10minutes of suffocation and struggle she went through. But they don’t understand. They seem to have no idea how it is to light your mother’s pyre, to touch her cold, lifeless, decomposing body. To know that this one moment will be your last when you get to touch her. Hugging her felt terrible, for the warmth was gone!

And the most difficult part?

To hold on to your twelve-year old sister but allowing her to see her dead mother. This would be her last memory of her.

I can go on talking about those four days of our “family trip” and how she was perfectly fine until those last 10minutes of her life but then who’d understand?
I choose to instead show people her pictures, how I managed to click her smiling.. I remind people of the pranks she’d play or the jokes she’d crack. Her favourite books, serials, lipsticks and perfumes.

I do sneak into her almirah sometimes. It smells of her. The other day I saw an teaser of this upcoming Bengali show where a guy from the army expressed how he’d miss his Ma’s smell the most and would go sleep in her lap the first thing after returning home. I feel like a dog, sniffing around the house, tracing her through her leftovers.

It is a joke me and my sister share. We pretend she’s gone to Kolkata like she had in September. We keep listening to her Whatsapp audio messages I’d taught her to record.

It is during such times that you feel like closing in. Restricting your life to those you cannot live without. I did that. But I didn’t stop there. I made sure I let go of the pretentious people I once addressed as “friends” and I observed people. Strangers, especially those dealing with the loss of loved ones. It somehow gave me strength and I heavily relied on Gandhiji’s treatise of when your loss seems to grave, try looking at someone who is ‘poorer than you’.

One such example would be this extraordinary woman:

Imagine the kind of determination it takes to come out of a loss and then dare to dream again, to live fully; to trust people and to believe in the goodness of Nature and God.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do 

that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” 

― Martin Luther King Jr

I also know of this young fellow of my age who was suffering from Cancer, such that his limbs had started to melt with all the medications he was going through. I remember my mother staying in his hospital room for hours, meditating for him. She’d stay hungry and thirsty for hours and not blink an eye. And when he’d fall really ill, she’d have tears in her eyes and say, “I wish I could make him alright. He is so young and he deserves to live.”

Today, as miraculously as is my agnostic belief in an Almighty, that Guy is Cancer-free. He is resuming his studies and coming back to normalcy!
How does a logical person explain this? The truth is, there are no answers. And when we do not find answers, we have two paths; one, to either let go of everything and just mourn and die. And the other would be to laugh at these perplexing circumstances we are brought into every now and then!

I’m pretty sure everyone is aware of the recent controversy of BBC interviewing of the rapists of Jyoti Singh who is popularly addressed to as “Nirbhaya”. The Indian Government has banned the documentary. I thought initially that it was a good move to stop the maligning of my nation.

However, I watched the documentary and was stunned. I cried.

And, mind you, I did not cry at my mother’s funeral.

But I cried when I heard what the rapist had to say about the incident. And more disgustingly, the defence lawyers called women to be “flowers” that can be either trampled if kept in the street or revered if kept in a temple! We’re gems even precious than diamonds that need to be protected by men. And for crying out loud, all that Jyoti did was watch a movie(evening show!) with a male friend!

How can one stop mocking such people outright! 

While such documentaries bring out the stinging realities of our society and thus have been shunned down, we have people like Laxmi who did not give up even after the horrific acid attack on her. She has started her own NGO and runs various campaigns regarding crime against women through it.

Losing hope will always be an option, like the albatross around our neck. Opt to take problems in life, face on. Halt and spend some time with your grief and hope will bicker in.

You’ll Never Find A Rainbow If You Are Looking Down

― Charlie Chaplin

When we talk of inspiration we gaze towards the horizon but then horizon is just another imaginary line. Look around, for we find stories of courage, determination, hope and experiences of life that mold us into better human beings. The next step of getting inspired is to inspire others. This my friend, is the circle of life.

I wish to thank Housing for a prompt named “Looking Up” which made me realise how often I’ve looked down at my feet, sore and withered in the biting cold. But what if, I choose today to gaze at the sky, smile at the sun and let the world know,

I AM.

If you liked reading my post or you didn't..if you have two words of advice to give or take, do let me know so in the comments below!

The Bumps In Our Journey!

One fine evening, I find my house rather laid back and unusually quiet. I rang the second bell and the door opened with a whiff of air that smelt of spiced rajma. Now to give you an idea of why I find this setting ‘unusual’ is that I have a twelve turning thirteen year old Sister!

Pari had opened the door and didn’t even say “Hi” and turned back and ran into our room. Now that was the ‘nail in the coffin’ sign that something was not right! I was on my way to the room when I found a piece of paper half-folded, lying near the bin.

I picked it up and read the contents of the letter-

Why don’t you go away

Let me live my life, my way!

When you are around

My life is dark and blurry

Please leave, please hurry!

My best friend can’t look at me

As if she’s ashamed of my presence

Others run away as I come to them

As if I’m a ghost without a name!

No one will love me it seems

If you are around me

So please dear go away

And let my Didibhai kiss my cheek!

I was beyond shocked! I didn’t know what to speculate upon- whether how she managed to pen down this nice little piece of poetry or the subject of this poem! What was it that had made her so upset? Could it be a boy? Could it be something to do with school? Friends?

My mind flummoxed my sanity and I decided to confront her instead of going on webbing my doubts!

Me: Pari baby, what’s wrong? Are you upset? [ She hid her face with a pillow and answered from beneath the pillow.]

Pari: Yeeeaaaa

Me: Won’t you share your pain with me Baby? We are best friends no? [ I was seriously worried by now!]

Pari was silent for a minute. Then slowly, she removed the pillow from her face and sat down upright! She had a pimple! A biiiiig one on her nose! And she looked so anxious!

I was puzzled for a moment! But then I made sense of that letter and all the anxiousness and burst out laughing! I know … I know.. it was mean and I perhaps should have been more understanding but then pimple wasn’t a big issue for me! I’ve always been a “pamper my skin” person! I’m addicted to my cleansing rituals and beauty essentials. My sister on the other hand has been maintaining a one-hand distance from all creams and cleansing so far! And thus, the resultant PIMPLE of a problem!

I finally got a grip on myself and sat beside her. By then, she’d started fuming and if this was a movie, she’d have smoke out of her ears, I’m sure! So I took upon the role of the big sister and made her understand the importance of a proper cleansing ritual followed by moisturising. She seemed to take me a lot more seriously and I think she sincerely made a mental note of the same!

That night I let her use my Garnier Pure NeemFace-wash and she had read about the importance of neem in cleansing both externally as well as internally and she understood the relevance of the product. She also further applied moisturizer though she cringed her face!

Life teaches us many lessons, either by others’ experience or by our own.  However, it is important to learn from that experience and grow! Thanks to this experience, I am sure my sister has learned the value of following beauty rituals, not just to look beautiful but to feel beautiful!

We often take our skin, our body for granted. But then we stumble upon a bump or two to make us believe in ourselves again!

With Garnier Neem Pure Face Wash

You can bade Pimples and Acne problems

Bye Bye!

It is time to show the world

Some YOU-th!

This post has been written for the Indiblogger contest in association with GarnierNeem Pure Face-wash.

Pre-Marital Sex: Love Lust or Luck? Who decides

Sex

  S.e.x

     S  e  x

Sex.. Now that I’ve got your attention, let’s talk about it. Oh, not so loud? In hushed tones, discreet coded words and whispers?

Why?

Because it is something we are ashamed of doing..thinking..imagining..talking?

And if talking of sex isn’t bad enough, I happen to be too young to talk of it? Not married, but crossed puberty! Ah! Like the “khuli tijori” , “ghodi bina lagaam”, “kali kawari” tags that the society entails upon us, we’re utterly vulnerable, on the verge of tearing the hymen at any pretext, we love having chowmein and listening to songs sung by hot guys and chicks ..

Well… wake up!

No, seriously?! At an era when a girl reaches puberty at even 10 or 11years of age, we can tell her what menstruation is but not tell her why it happens? What is the process of conception of human beings and that we do not fall from the sky or that angels don’t fly us down from the Heaven! Moreover, we expect that in this day and age where internet is our biggest saviour, children won’t know what is porn, chatting, or won’t enrol into social networking sites? Is that even possible?

Even doctors tell us that sexual thought and sexual consciousness is an inevitable part of growing up. Our body develops and certain changes take place that heighten our inquisitiveness about them. It is a natural phenomenon!

These feelings are further stressed upon by factors such as internet, peers, media, films etc. However, the important point here is that “sex” is not just a social construct but rather a biological one that is innate to a human.

When all of this is so clear to us then what fails to make sense to me is that why this emphasis on “virginity”? Post the advent of globalisation, liberalisation phenomena, men and women have come together to build a strong global economy which includes a lot of hard work, dedication and commitment. Hence, it is understandable that career has taken a step ahead in the list of priorities for both men and women.

In such circumstances, as a consequence marriage has taken a back seat. People have started marrying late and focus on being stable before getting married. However this does not mean that they don’t think of sex, or don’t feel the need for love, intimacy and companionship! Like I mentioned earlier, it is a biological process. Then what is it that we want when we say that “pre-marital sex is a sin/taboo” or that “pre-marital sex is all about the body and not the heart and thus only lust”?

Such a mentality only reflects how we have moved on with developments while we have kept one foot still at the crease. How will we move ahead in that case? Let us not forget that it is pre-marital sex and not pre-martial sex. Blowing things out of proportion only leads to its bursting off loud, right?

I understand the complexities of pre-marital sex. I am also aware of how hot this topic is; one mention of it and the world comes running to you with an opinion. The point is that irrespective of who think what and in spite of who thinks whether premarital sex comes within the ambit of moral and ethical conduct of the society or not, it is and it should be entirely up to two adult individuals to agree on whether to have a sexual intercourse or not.

And no, a sexual intercourse does not necessarily have to lead to marriage and kids and old age. It can just be an expression of love between two consenting individuals and that’s that!

I threw this topic up to a bunch of my girlfriends- over texts, whatsapp, and even when I met some of them. Almost 80% of them had not had sexual intercourse yet. However, about 90% of them had had making out sessions, most of them had embarrassing ones or quickies and they wished they had felt more comfortable during them. Out of fifteen of them, only 5 admitted to masturbation while some others had doubts regarding it. A common question to them was..

If they were given a comfortable environment, say a room minus the hassles of the inquiry in hotels or interference of parents or their attitude towards an unmarried couple in a closed room, would they have had sex with their partner?

Almost all of them agreed, and the ones who said no, said so because they didn’t trust their partner that much, which is totally ok and in fact, good. One of my older friends in fact retorted, “One must be open for sex. In fact, if you fall in love with a guy and end up sleeping with him, don’t end up marrying him please!” That was an interesting analysis coming from her because she is herself married. She explained, “See, after you sleep with a man, he thinks, if you have slept with him, there are chances that you may have done so before as well; as if you’ve always been open to it!”
I asked how that was a problem. She may have been in love before! Even he could have, right?
“Hahaha, for a boy it doesn’t matter whether he sleeps with one woman or a hundred. But a woman can’t. It then affects her character. He may end up marrying her, but he won’t respect her like before. He’ll doubt her somewhere in his mind. And no, there are no exceptions!”

Well, that’s some food for thought, ladies and gentlemen! I do not know how true or false this perspective is! If you have an opinion regarding it, let me know..!

Sex is part of our palette of things..along with the basic necessities of life..roti ..kapda and makaan..

While I am all for it, I do think that is a very important decision. One must be fully aware of the physical and emotional circumstances and must know how to deal with them. They should go ahead only when they want to and trust their partner enough. Also, all precautions must be taken with great care and knowledge about the repercussions.

While the society should not judge people on the basis of their sexual virginity (virginity of the mind , well yes, now that must be explored further! J), even we as responsible adults should make decisions that do not cause us problems later on. Whatever we do in life, regret must not be one of them! Love is a beautiful feeling and there is nothing wrong with sex, premarital or otherwise. It should not be forced, it should not insult, hurt or degrade others (by that I do not mean don’t make love because Mr.Sharma doesn't want you to have sex and you having sex may hurt his sentiments.. That’s just crass!) Jeeyo and Jeene do, is the clear funda. And yes, please spare us from the weirdest forms of embarrassing PDAs(Public Display of Affection) and seriously guys, GO GET A ROOM ! J

This post has been written for the prompt “Pre-marital sex- Yes or No” hosted by Indiblogger in association with Poonaam Uppal, who has written a book regarding the same theme, A Passionate Gospel of True Love-A true Love Story . Do check the book out and if you liked this post, leave in a comment! J Thank you!
If you are an Indi-Blogger then please do vote for my post HERE . You're awesome! J