A-SHAMED YET?

Be it the December 16th Gangrape case of a 23-yr old woman or the recent kidnapping and rape of a 5-yr old by her neighbour... Nowadays it is the latest trendy thing to say "..Oh, I know how terrible it must feel."

Well, this may sound aggressive and emotional to a few or many, but trust me when I say, No, You Don't.

You do not know how it feels when the auto driver looks at the rear view mirror and his gaze revolves from the cars to your breasts. 

You do not know how it feels when you feel trampled upon by people, being touched by them and  not being actually done so. Their stares do that to you. When you walk past a busy market, people rush past you intentionally so as to brush their hands against your boobs or some even grope them in a crowd. 

You do not how it feels to be a teenager going out shopping in a street market and while trying out a top, the shopkeeper grabs your boobs to "help" you wear the top. And all this while, four other men stand there, looking at the way the man gropes the left boob under the top, and then puts his other hand on the right boob to pull the shirt down. I see innocence evaporate out of the child, right there.

You do not have any freaking idea how it feels to be brushed against at all the time, in the bus. It is so common and so disturbing that I have stopped travelling in the buses at all. If you are sitting a man will come and sit beside you, even if it is a Ladies seat. And the next thing you know is he will attach his thigh to yours, and if you are unlucky, then his bag comes up on to his lap and his hand behind the bag that slowly touches the side of your breast. If you look at the person, he'd look like he has folded his hands, but behind that veil, the man attempts to grope your breast.

If you happen to be standing, you witness a mini-porn right there, too bad if it happens to star you in it though. You just got into a crowded bus and before you realise, men have "strategically" positioned themselves around you, almost in a silent understanding between them. Thus, you find the main culprits, standing one ahead, one behind you, stacking themselves against you while two three men stand right at the sides so that you don't find an escape. Blocked from all sides, one brushes his penis from behind at your buttocks while the other brushes his butt on to you from the front. Do Not mistake it to be Unintentional because believe me,a gentleman knows how to maintain the 'necessary distance'. 

Yes, of course we move away, and no body stops us. But, the smirk on their faces reveal that they have achieved what they wanted to- simply make the woman conscious of her physical vulnerability. So, you may begin to harp the noises and bring out the flags, but when it actually happens, so shamelessly in front of you and when you look into their eyes to make them realise their mistake, you face this beastly stare back, the one that promises to ravish you down, a sexual hunger that is so scary that you do nothing but turn away, silently. Because even if you make a hue and cry about it, you know that the man with a hurt ego will hunt you down and make sure you are 'severely punished' for 'humiliating' him.

You do not know how terrible it feels, when people make passes at you, how while men at a passing motorbike whistle at you, telling you what they want to do with you. How he will fuck you till you cry for his mercy or perhaps till you die. How he will finger your vagina out or fill your oesophagus with his semen.

Image-  www.nsvrc.org

Shaming the woman of her sexuality is the new Agenda, or so it seems. A man in the auto or bus next to you looks at you in a traffic jam. You happen to look that ways too, to see him lick his lips to suggest that he wants to do the same to you, and the traffic signal goes green and he is off in the other direction.

You do not know how it feels when a dear friend comes to you sobbing about how two bikers came and harassed her, and then followed her to her house and kept stalking her, calling out names. Or how someone she did not like, proposed to her and when she declined, he posted maligning information about her on the net, created her fake profiles or posted her as a prostitute on some adult site, revealing all her personal information including her landline number and address.

You do not know how it feels to feel bad for her, and at the same time imagine these things happening to you too. Just because you dared to slap the fellow to tried to grope you or ask someone why he was staring at your cleavage. Just because you shouted back at the men who whistled at you or you filed a complaint against a person for sexual harassment who might send his friends to trouble you even further.

And what if the police never took your case seriously and the man, with his hurt ego comes after you, because you reported about him!

You do not know how it feels when you need to cancel a meet or a girls day out, only because the world out there isn't 'safe' enough, and parents do not allow us to go out because they cannot change the system, or the men but can protect us, thereby not letting us go to far away places or going out after 7pm. You do not know how unsafe you feel when you are in a cab, returning from a far flung place and the cab driver steals glances at your breasts and how they shake every time he intentionally hurdles the car into the potholes and speed breakers.

You do not know how it feels to be bullied around by a sibling or a boyfriend, simply because he is a man. How you are told to take off pictures, not talk to certain people on the social networking sites and how you have to ask for permission a hundred times, and give assurances of every kind, to simply go out for a friend's birthday party.
You do not know how it feels to be told what to do or what not to, what to wear and what not to, what to say and what not to. You do not know how scary it gets to hear news of rapes, molestations and harassments all around. You do not know how it feels to be mocked at, at every step of your life for being a woman who is aware of her sexuality and who protests at every sexist comment that comes her way, on some joke on PMS or her being fat and thus unattractive, her being a feminist and so on.

You clearly do not know how it feels to be a woman in the 21st Century where at one hand she is said to be independent strong-willed and fierce, but on the other hand, she is shamed about her sexuality, and somehow masculinity takes pride in subjugating femininity.

The power relations throughout our histories have shown gender relations as power relations wherein how strong a power is, is depicted in how weak the other power is made to be. But it isn't so. The power-relations in case of gender are complementary. We benefit each other and by each other. A home, companionship is incomplete without the feminine and without the masculine; the house cannot become a home. 

https://www.facebook.com/priyanka.dey1/posts/571776236187993

APRILDOM: C for CONDITIONS APPLY!

We're not given the option of silence. We can not stay muted because of the absence of the silent phases. We're always communicating. Talking. Squeaking when not talking. We go 'tcch'..Or 'ohh'...'Hmmm' is now an acceptance. Our opinions are elongated along the sidelines of the muted spectators and thoughts pretzeled into silent stretches of soccer fields with swarms of Us, We and Them.
While I was squirming for answers of live love and otherwise, there were questions heaping silently that ultimately becomes a kaleidoscope of flashes in different hues, and you try so hard to define that feeling but you fail. Fail to answer them. Fail to smile through it all. And now that I turn around, I find muddy footprints on the cream-colored sheets I'd chosen to write on... And just when I thought all was over and done with..

My prompts for DAY3 are

1. The topic of the blog post should begin with C. [AtoZChallenge]

2. Write a sea shanty (or shantey, or chanty, or chantey — there’s a good deal of disagreement regarding the spelling!). Anyway, these are poems in the forms of songs, strongly rhymed and rhythmic, that sailors might sing while hauling on ropes and performing other sea-going labors. And what should your poem be about? Well, I suppose it could be about anything, although some nautical phrases tossed into the chorus would be good for keeping the sea in your shanty.
[NAPOWRIMO]

I knew a girl. 
She wanted to become a poet. She even attended poet meets and was also appreciated by some renowned ones. 
She was definitely going to become famous one day, I'd often say to her. 
Then she got married. She had to comply to the parental pressure. She was in love with a guy who wasn't ready to marry and his parents had found an 'ideal' match for her, who'd a business of his own and was a decent fellow. She gave in. 
The husband knew nothing about poetry. She stopped attending college. Or the meets. 
She gave in. 
The husband now wanted a child. She wasn't ready and at only 25 years of age, she wanted to take time accustoming herself as a married woman. The poet had to die, and it refused to. 
She loved her husband, like a dutiful wife but to be boned every single night to conceive a son, was reprimanding. The woman in her, screamed as he dug at her flesh every time. 
She gave in and got pregnant.
She stopped taking my calls. She feared I'd instigate the poet to rise again. 
She gave birth to a beautiful daughter and named her after me.. Priya.
The husband within days of her delivery demanded a son. The following two years resulted in a series of abortions and miscarriages. 

We accidentally met, only yesterday. I happened to be in the neighbourhood and went to meet her. She opened the door, and I could hardly recognise her with the pallu. (part of the saree that covers the head)

''Who is it", asked the Mother in law. ''No one. Someone's come to the Wrong address,Maaji.''

She folded her hands and asked me to leave. And truly, I felt like a stranger in a land where they worship Goddesses within closed doors and empty promises.

Farewell and Adieu my friends of Hypocrisy

Farewell and Adieu Hypocrisy and its friends

Again! Again! Again!

For I am bent, not broken, not broken yet

And I shall dare to walk alone again

Again, Again, Again!

I am a lady with my head high

High! High! High!

While every dog has a day,

It is bitches day every day, yeah, everyday!

Bell Bajao: A We Men Initiative for Women

Under the latest initiative aptly titled, INDICHANGE, Indiblogger in association with BREAKTHROUGH organised the Ring The Bell Campaign on a wonderful evening of the 8th of March, internationally marked as Woman's Day at the British Council in New Delhi amongst an august gathering of bloggers, entrepreneurs, activists and media persons. Their slogan being- When Men Gather, It's Not Always Trouble.

The idea behind this is that starting from March 8th 2013 to March 8th of 2014, they are motivated to make one million pledge their solidarity to end violence against women.




THE AGENDA

The best part about getting a list of the agenda for a meet, is that it helps you decide whether attending it would be worth it or not. And this event, hit the right spot when it came to both- the Cause and the Celebration.

This IndiChange initiative looks at men pledging to fight in their own ways to end violence against women. So, in the course of the evening we saw men from an array of fields, investors, industrialists, service men, farmers, doctors, pilots and more pledge their solidarity for the cause.



After the general introduction about the projects and initiatives taken hitherto, the sessions moved on to the first theme wherein we heard from female entrepreneurs such as Indira Jaisingh and Priya Kaul who discussed how economics and gender roles work hand-in-hand and how making women economically independent can empower them to a great extent. One particular woman entrepreneur who runs a school in her village on her own, spoke in a recorded video clip- " Pankh se kuch nahi hota, Hauslon se Udaan hoti hai" ( It isn't wings that make you fly, it is the courage that does.) After this followed the Tea break, during which Mahabanoo Mody-Kotwal performed. And true to her name, she is a charmer. Her grace and posture, made me skip my coffee( Yes, it is a BIG deal!) and kept me glued to my seat. The best name that I can give to her performance would be to call it.. The Vaginal Monologues. She in her poetic eloquence, portrayed the insensitivity with which female sexuality is looked at and the manner in which people draw imageries out of it. For instance, the vagina is in some cultures of India, called Talwar ka Mayaan( Mayaan meaning the sword-cover). It was a pleasure to listen to her poem "Imagine" in particular where she talks about a white porcelain statue, draped with a black cloth and how the black cloth is representative of  the cloak that the society has draped on to the woman- it is torn and people like dogs are snatching at it.

This was followed by a wonderfully energizing performance by Swarathma. The band had been marking an edge in the music circuits of India and I had been excited about their performance and they failed to disappoint me! It was exhilarating to see the lead singer, flail his "larger than life" hair zip-zap-zoo and I fluttered my head too, in a failed attempt to enact him. I shouted out to my blogger friend, Akanksha- I want a Wig like that!! To which she stared at him for a while and then innocently  nodded in denial- His hair is for real. He isn't wearing a wig!

They played some amazing pieces and their lyrics addressed social stigmas related to gender, sexual harassment and human rights. The emotions that swarmed over us with the blend of words and music, took us to a different world altogether as we swayed and clapped furiously as if our lives depended on it!
Such was the effect!


The second series of discussions were on the question of "objectification" of women in the film industry, which was discussed by a panel consisting of Rahul Bose, Ryan Mendonca, Advaita Kala and Anoop Johnson. It was quite disappointing to see how Rahul Bose made sugary comments and quotes to please the audience and when asked about the online exploitation that women face, he said, he isn't much of an online person and thus isn't aware of the same. But thankfully, due to my work area, I know for certain that Rahul Bose is active on Twitter and he interacts through mails and is very much "aware" of the world wide web scenario. Also, he asserted how men should now "give rights to women" as if it were a piece of land that needed to be transferred!




Nevertheless, he made a few interesting points on how the industry must quit genderification of roles that eventually get on to define and re-instate power relations in the society at large. Advaita Kala made interesting points too, regarding her female protagonists such as that of a pregnant woman searching for her husband in the film, Kahaani and also implicitly reflecting her sexuality with the tinge of romance she added between the lady and the inspector who was helping her find her husband.







After a discussion that seemed to reach to no other conclusion than to the basics such as respect women, they are as deserving as men, and the subtlety of power-relations in society; it was now time for the best part about the evening- Anoushka Shankar!

https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2013/03/09/delhi-bloggers-meet-to-ring-the-bell/

My mum loves listening to Late Pdt. Ravi Shankar and I thus, grew up listening to ragas, without learning much about them but nonetheless, whenever I listen to them, I find peace and serenity like nothing else. So when I got to know that Anoushka Shankar would be performing at the event, I knew I was attending it. She mesmerized me- with her grace, her poise- She resembled Goddess Saraswati for me that evening- I am an agnostic and thus, whatever I have heard of Goddess Saraswati till date, I saw in her. Beauty, Talent , Grace and Brilliance oozed out of her. I sat dazzled by her and though all my friends started to leave (it was getting really late and Delhi is infamous for its night life especially for women) I could not even bade goodbye to them- she had such a soothing effect on me- I felt powerless and yet, good- in fact much better than I have in a long long time!

www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151461374637492.1073741827.345825362491&type=3

I was so struck by her that on my way back home, I typed these words from my mobile on Facebook and within a few minutes, so many people Liked the status, which speaks for itself.

Want to know what other bloggers thought of it? Follow the comments via this link--  https://www.facebook.com/priyanka.dey1/posts/552018014830482

Thus, when a Chetan Bhagat in the name of Celebrating Woman's day ends up celebrating stereotypes of women in his article in Times of India-  http://blogs.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/The-underage-optimist/entry/five-things-women-need-to-change-about-themselves
and writes "What’s the point of collectively harping on equality, when as individuals, you are happy to lapse into being clueless eye flutterers, just to keep men happy?"
With this point made,he gives advice and suggestions to women to harbour in "Equality" in our lives.

Oh yes, of course, we are all eye flutterers here. Whether we are doctors, typists, radio jockeys, dieticians, economists, mathematicians, directors, engineers, actors, scientists and a thousand other things. But for men like you, we'll be eye flutterers to you. Always!

But one thing for sure, the last thing We women need, is advice from a man who stereotypes women in the first place. Earlier,I despised your writing, Mr.Bhagat. Now I despise you and men who think like you do.

Ever since the wave of feminism swept across the globe in the 1970's and 80's, theorists, researchers and of course, feminists have strived to find the roots of exploitation of women in the society over time, and have come up with patriarchy to be a source of assertion of male scrutiny over a woman's role in the public (society) as well as the private (household) sphere. Over these years, the basis has always been to identify the causes of the exploitation. However, I believe that time has come to move over to more consequential matters, such as, What Is The Way Out? How Do We Now Ensure That Women Are Not Subjected to Any Form of Atrocity Or Exploitation?

The easiest method of solving it, proved to be blaming the ones who seemed to spear-heading the patriarchal hold- Men. Thus, arose an unnatural instinct in women to undo, de-construct whatever men have done and achieved till now and re-do them on their own. Some began hating men, and thus the institutions such as marriage, relationships, families etc. Not wearing a bra, to wearing trousers that only men wore, using razors for hair removal to not shaving hair at all- every possible treatment was tried and tested.

Everything except actually looking for a solution.

As much as we blame the men for being so dominating, it holds equally true that a woman herself at times, in the name of culture, family prestige and continuance of heritage and morals, reinstates patriarchy. The social conditioning is such that none of us have ever questioned it.  So every time a mother asks the daughter to learn to cook and cajoles his son to go out and play, every time that you see a girl wearing short skirts and twitch your lips judging her background, her family, her intentions and ambitions; while either you compliment the handsome guy coming out of the pub or don't even look at him passing by, but never judge him- These are all Symptoms of Gender-fication or Stereotyping. Please Stop right there and turn around.

Time for blaming or even giving advices to each other has gone. It is high time that we start acting. Both of us- men and women alike! "Be the Change you Wish to See in the World" is probably one of the few Gandhian techniques that are still in vogue and that still works... So why not make use of it? Women- respect each other and be proud of yourselves- never give in to compromise your dignity and Men- learn to treat women equally. She is a mother, a daughter a sister , a wife to someone, if not yours. Break away from the stereotyping and re-visit society with a fresh outlook. Be The Change- IndiChange! Proud to be a part of it.

Here are some pictures from the event- They have not been clicked by me but by my blogger friends. They also have covered the event in their own styles and words. Do have a look at their posts too! Cheers!

Indian Home-maker-
https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2013/03/09/delhi-bloggers-meet-to-ring-the-bell/

Ritu Lalit-
http://phoenixritu.com/ring-the-bell/

Aabha Vatsa
http://www.smilewidabha.com/2013/03/a-rocking-international-womens-day.html