Sunday, May 22, 2011

As I Die.

How much can I write?
About my depression, alcohol habits
and the sadness I feel
Before I start repeating myself
Or just get bored
Honestly, I don’t know
Perhaps I'll find out one day

Every day I follow patternized life
Go out and come back, prepare dinner,
Study, do some internet
And then go to bed
Not to sleep
Just to pattern heartbeat
Whether it’s working still
Wondering how

Then there are these loud voices
filling in every portion of ears
You are a looser
You lost everything
You were never anything successful in life
A daughter, a friend, a lover, a student,
A professional, an alcoholic, a poet
You don’t even know what the meaning of life is
Look at you. You, a complete failure

There are other loud voices telling you
You’ll never last the night without us.
You'll cave at 2 in the morning
And be worse off
Than what you are at this time

There is soft voice saying, what’s the harm?
You don’t miss work
You’re not mean

You tried to put your best
but somehow it didn't worked
You paid your duties
Here I'm and it’s you only
and it’s just a night
When its dark and you're alone
And there is no one else
who'll be with you.

And then there's my own voice
And the others are so dominate now
That I can’t even figure out
What it’s saying anymore or if it even cares.

By the way, I now love the depression
And I love how slowly it kills
And how silent death it is
And I am in love with my depression
And how it is slowly killing me
And what a silent death it is…

It’s not that bad actually
That’s what I have always
Thought of how I would like to die
I just never imagined it would come this way.